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[May 5th, 2007 at 10:23am] |
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in bloom-nirvana x |
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( new pictures... )
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[February 4th, 2007 at 9:27am] |
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WhistleForTheChoir-TheFratellis x |
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Hi everyone*waves hand like a lunatic*.How are ya all?I'm not too good,could be better,blah.Life sucks sometimes huh?.I can't do it anymore.I can't eat anymore...I can't resist these urges...they are too strong.I want so bad just to get better and for this to be out of my life....but i don't see that happeneding anytime soon...or ever.I feel like just curling up in a ball and waking up when this is over...but i guess this is life...and what hurts us only makes us stronger.Although at this point in time i'm finding it increasingly hard to keep that in mind while I'm sitting in my room(well not my room,the hospital room)crying.Anyway enough about that-I got my hair cut yesterday.Big mistake...I HATE IT!it's way too hard to manage-Not to mention I now look like Jackiey Goody(Jade Goody's from BIG BROTHER fame's mum).My fringe has been changed to the opposite side because I was balding(lmao!)at the other side(due to lack of nutrition etc).So now I had to train it by clipping it to the new side for a while-Ohhh great fun=P.I guess new hair takes getting used to.Geez,all I seem to do is moan these days=P.Oh and this is kinda random but does anyone else love the song this aint a scene by Falloutboy?I love it!I've only ever heard another two songs by them really and they were cool but I've decided I might download some more onto my ipod later.Ghazal loves them(well the last time i heard,lol)and now I know why=).Anyway the pictures are behind the cut,thank you x.
( NEW HAiiR_x... )
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| my bruises will never heal |
[January 31st, 2007 at 8:45pm] |
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SnowPatrol-ChasingCars |
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I'm losing my battle...slowly but surely.I can see myself slipping back to my old ways.
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| Stacie's Back...Back Again...Tell A Friend!=P. |
[January 14th, 2007 at 10:46am] |
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Pink-LongWayToHappy-I'mNotDead. |
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Hello=).Wow...it's has been agesssssss!:/.A lot has happened since I last updated my LJ about 3 months ago!:O.Well I don't know where to even start but I'll try to explain the best that I can.As the last entry said I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa...and since then I have been admitted to a Adolescent Mental Health Hospital//Unit.I'm on the eating disorders programme and have been since late October.It all happened so quick because things just got so bad I could hardly even remeber anything about the few weeks beforehand...It's all a blur and the days just passed by me without me even realising.I was awake but not myself my family have said.....I had lost all my personality and only foccused on my obsession with weight and food.....It was disapointing to hear that because I have always been full of life and had so many interests...but this illness took me over....it's all I was for months and still a part of me even now.....even though I'm trying to recover.The treatment consists of me Having 6 regular meals throughout the day(breakfast at 8am,snack at 10am,lunch at 12pm,snack at 3pm,dinner at 5pm and snack at 9pm).When I first found out I was panicing like crazy...how could I go from not eating and hardly drinking anything(even water)to having that much in a day?could my stomach handle it?I thought.At that point I just felt so depressed I wanted to end it all....and that's not even like me to think like that...so I must of been pretty desperate...I just couldnt face the battles ahead of me(having to eat and gain weight)because those were big factors in my illness-having to go against what I had being doing the months beforehand and felt dying would be easier and save everyone all the hassle.Having to eat scared me more than anything at that moment.Thinking back I can see how being weak,hungry,dehydrated and how gripped by anorexia I was at that point.It had a hold of me and my mind wasnt thinking straight.A lot of people say it is a very manipulative illness and now I know what they mean....I couldnt make rational desicions.One afternoon my mum got a phonecall and afterwards she came into my room crying and told me "They have found a place//bed for you in the hospital"-It was such short notice because I had to be admitted the next day.When I heard this I was anxious but relieved...that mabye,hopefully this would finally be over.I had,had enough.I had no life at this point and this seemed the only option.The first day I was dropped of there was the most nerveracking day of my life.I remember my gran dropping us of outside the hospital doors and kissing and waving me goodbye(both of us in tears).Thats when I realised I had affected everyone around me....Afterwards when we were inside we were shown to the interview room and were interviewed and accessed/weighed by one of the unit doctors.My eyes and skin were jaundis(sp?)-Basically I was bright yellow like the simpsons,lo!=P.I looked old and wrinkly and my face and eyes were sunken in.I didnt look like me.I was then shown to my room and my mum was told to go(I remember hysterically crying and just wanting to go home...I didnt know how long I would be here...When she left I was left alone sitting in my room...it was so bare with nothing in it...it's tiny and poky with hardly any room or air to breath,I missed home-I just felt so hopeless and stuck.By this time I was so shaky and panicky I felt I was going to have a panic attack.As the day went on I was approached by a member of staff(nursing assist)who explained to me some of the rules/guidelines.One of them was no activity or exercise(including walking)-Since my weight was so low(5 stone),I was told any movement that wasnt stricly needed could burn calories and energy-therefore my weight could be affected.At this point I had developed a habit of shoogling/shaking my feet around since I couldnt exercise-It was alos a nerves thing and this was counted at overexercising.I was also given a air cusion and matress because I had pressure sores on the sides of my arms and my bone near my backside(lol).They were painful but I was used to them.Another rule was I wasnt allowed my window open-They said that having a window open with my low body weight would make me shiver and apparently shivering trying to heat yourself up burns calories!-I thought this was ridiculous!!!I just like fresh air...I felt like I was in prison when she listed of rule after rule...even giving me a manual to remember them.Every 15 minutes the nurses have to check everyone to see where/how they are and what they are doing....this makes you feel very uncomfortable and you little to none privacy...even when your in the bathroom for longer that a few minutes they knock on the door checking to see what you are doing!.After mealtimes you have to be supervised for an hour after main meals and half an hour after snack-to make sure the food digests and you don't exercise or throw it up(depending what eating disorder you are in for).You have to sit down for that whole time not moving and even if you move to stretch you get told off.It is pretty strict but I guess thats the point and it's for a reason.Supervision is meant to be a time to relax and keep your mind of things but it makes it worse at times.If you need the toilet during that time a femal staff member has to come in with you-Not enjoyable I tell ya,lol!=P.At first the urges to exercise were really strong.I'd even catch myself at times going to the bathroom to do sit-ups-It just shows you how sneaky I had become.When I was admitted to hospital my bmi was 13.7 but over the past few months it has went up and so has my weight-at the moment it has just reached 16.1-It still scares me knowing I am getting bigger.The worst part of it it is the bloating of the stomach.Because my stomach had shrucnk so much with not eating-whenever you eat more than you are used to your stomach feels forced and stretched and it can be painful and uncomfortable.Now they are starting to let me see a physio because my bone density is now up again so I can do gentle exercise and activity.I'm also now allowed home for weekend passes(right now I am on one)and allowed more time out since there is not much danger of me collapsing or anyhing now.My moods have been pretty up and down and every day is still a struggle and I often have to take a supplement for the so called fear foods I can't handle but I manage 99% of the time with my food plan.Since I just mentioned my food plan here is some info about it.The dietitian has set it according to how much weight she wants me to gain every week.The gain is gradual as my body at first couldnt handle it after starving for so long.I'm taking in more food than anyone who has normal eating habits probably would....and that still scares me.They have also been giving me multivitiman tablets and medication to make my bowels move lol!constipation is not nice...:(:p.Luckily since I have been eating better and a more balanced diet I can go now without a problem ha.My periods still havent started again yet...It's been at least 6 months now,so I'm a little worried.I don't know when I will be discharged yet(they have 6 weekly reviews so review your progress and decide),I've been in for three months know and thats the mimimum stay,at least a month or so yet before I can come home or mabye longer.Hopefully things are looking up despite the odd days that I'm still struggling-I've been allowed to start going back a couple times a week to my school also because my health is now much better and so is my concentration.Now behind the cut are some pictures and stuff because I went shopping yesterday,love yooh all!<333
( PiiCTURES... )
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| I guess I should update... |
[October 14th, 2006 at 5:42pm] |
Wow.Long time no update...within good reason though....I didn't abandon teh internet intentionally...Everything has been so crazy so I've hardly had any spare time or if I have I've felt too weak or down to come online.This is really hard to admit and to put into words but I'm in dire need of a place to let it all out and vent.A few people already knew I have an eating problem or major issues with food so I've finally admitted I need help and am seing a eating disorder therapist//specialist and nutritionist,basically what they have to offer.The breaking point came last Saturday afternoon.Nearly 4 days without food and only a glass of water left me feeling weak and pactically unable to move.I thought my body could handle it since I'm used to restricting to almost nothing for days.My mum called the doctor out and I had to have a blood and urine test and a full physical check-up.They said I was dehydrated from lack of fluids.I weighed in at around 5 stone 8 or just over I think.The last time I checked I was 6 stone 1.The docotors and my family discussed if staying overnight at hospital on a drip was needed.I was reluctant.I've realised that this is not worth it.If I carry on like this I could affect my long term health and in the worst case even die.Is it all worth it?That's what everyone asks me...I'm sickof hearing it..but the thing is they are right.I guess the first step in recovering or improving is realising their is a problem and not being in denial.I know I have a long way to go pr I might always struggle and my mind-set can't just change overnight(boy,I wish it could...)but I'm trying to think as positive as I can.The thing I'm most scared of is losing control and weight gain...I'm practically under 24 hour watch because my mum has been advised to stop me exercising or doing any activity....and to drink supplement drinks beecause my body has went so long without the right nutrition...I'm sh!t scared...not just of the guilt feeling to do with eating and even drinking...but of everything in general.It's so hard to put into words right now what everything is like or what is going on in my mind right now but I hope everyone else is good and I miss you all.Take care <3.
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stacieemaciee's journal
